Saturday, January 16, 1999

I arrived home Monday night from my 5-day vacation in San Francisco. What a place! During my stay, I couldn't help but worry about how Katherine would cope staying home by herself all that time. True, she had plenty of food and water, but no companionship.How could I not feel guilty for having the time of my life while Kat sat at home, sleeping away her blues?

I was pleased to discover, however, that Kat made it through those five days quite well.Nothing was broken, there were no messes to clean up --only an anxious cat that was very, very, very happy to see me when I stepped through the door. I'm glad I didn't have to have her caged up in some foreign place around foreign people and animals that might have caused her to experience unpleasant flashbacks of her animal shelter days...

Tuesday, February 9

My brother has asked me if I'd like to take his best friend's cat, Calypso.  Apparently his friend is moving to an apartment that doesn't allow pets, so he's looking for someone who wants his cat, and so far no one does.  Calypso is about the same age as Kat, smaller, and black and white in color.  She is scheduled to be spayed and declawed Friday, but I told my brother that I'd only entertain the idea of keeping her if she gets to keep her claws.  So I need to decide by the end of the week.

I would very much like to get a companion for Kat, but I don't know if I like the idea of feeling pressured into getting this one.  My brother and his wife already have five cats themselves, but offered to keep Calypso should I decide not to.  That, of course, makes me feel even more pressured.  Who wants six cats, after all?  Owning five is ridiculous in itself.  In any event, it appears there's a chance I'll add to the household by this weekend.

Friday, February 12

Well, I am now the owner of two cats.  Calypso --whom I've never seen before except from a distance as she sat in a window-- will be introduced to Kat in about a week's time.  Today Calypso is scheduled to be spayed, and her current owner has agreed to keep her until she's fully recovered from surgery. 

I can only guess at what headaches await me once the new cat joins the "family."  I had only recently gotten fully adjusted to Kat's antics and idiosyncracies --now I'll have to go through it all over again.  It pleases me, however, that Kat will finally have a companion while I'm gone.  Humans use pets to feel less alone, yet what efforts do we take to ensure our furry friends don't feel lonely themselves? 

Kat and Calypso.  Calypso and Kat.  Has a nice ring to it, no?  I can only hope they don't turn out to be a ruthless tag team from hell.

Sunday, February 21

Calypso is now in the apartment and the introductory phase between her and Katherine has started off about twenty times more disasterously than I had predicted. 

I swear that I'd had a great plan for introducing the two cats.  My plan was to avoid a face-to-face interaction between Kat and Calypso until such a time as they were acclimated to each other's scent.  I would allow Kat to smell articles of Calypso's and vice-versa; I would keep Calypso in the the bedroom and Kat would have free reign over the rest of the apartment, and then I would switch them so that they could feel further comfortable with the other's scent. 

My brother and his wife, who own five cats, wanted to drive down to my apartment because they were excited to see the interaction between Kat and Calypso.  I should have asked them not to come, since I feel that I only allowed a face-to-face meeting between the two cats for the benefit of my guests, who made the hour-long trek to see some action.  Big mistake.

As I'm typing this, Calypso is hiding under the bed.  She's been there for the past twelve hours.  She's so frightened of Kat that she won't even venture out to use the litterbox, and I caught her peeing on the floor next to my bed.  Now I have two litterboxes --one for each cat-- and Calypso's old water and food dish are near enough to the bed for her to reach.

Not only is Calypso afraid of Kat, but she's afraid of me as well.  Whenever I try to approach her or coax her out from under the bed, she hisses and swipes at me violently.  I hope she snaps out of it and becomes a little more daring, but most importantly I hope the two cats will eventually get along, as that was my reason for getting a second cat in the first place.

Thursday, February 25

It's been five days since Calypso joined the household, and things have slightly improved, though Calypso and Kat are still "negotiating" territorial boundaries.  So far, Calypso has staked claim to all real estate located underneath my bed, while Kat has the rest of the apartment. 

At first I was uncertain which cat would turn out to be the most dominant, but now it's clear to me that Kat is going to be a bully to Calypso, at least for now.  Kat initiates all interaction between them, much to the dismay of the traumatized, new resident.   She also eats Calypso's food, drinks Calypso's water, and would probably leave her poopy little nuggets in Calypso's litterbox if I gave her the chance. 

Calypso is starting to respond to me, though she still won't let me pet her and still hisses at me.  This evening, while Kat was locked out of the bedroom, Calypso and I played with a shoestring and she walked freely and comfortably around the room, as she usually does when Kat's not around.  I tried keeping Kat out of the bedroom while I was at work, but she tore up the carpet by the bedroom door in a fit of defiance.  Now I've accepted the fact that I'll just have to let the two cats mingle and wait for Calypso to gain some courage.  I'm looking forward to the day when she pounces on Kat and puts her in her place.

Monday, March 1

Calypso:  "Don't come near me!"

Mike: "It's okay, Calypso.  I'm not going to hurt you."

Calypso:  "Where's my master?  What have you done with him?"

Mike:  "I've done nothing with him.  He is very far away now."

Calypso:  "Why did you bring me here?  Why can't I go home?"

Mike:  "This is your new home, Calypso.  Your master gave you to me."

Calypso:  "But why?  What did I do?  I don't deserve this!"

Mike:  "Your master wanted you to have a good home and be well fed and taken care of.  I know I'm not your master but I promise you'll be safe here."

Calypso:  "Ha!  Safe, you say?  What about that monster that's been terrorizing me since I arrived?  She hardly makes me feel safe."

Mike:  "Kat has never lived with another cat before.  It's going to take her a while to get used to your company."

Calypso: "I've never lived with another cat either, and I don't think I want to.  Kat is big and mean."

Mike:  "She's just feeling threatened right now.  Try not to let her intimidate you."

Calypso: "It's hard not to be intimidated by a cat that's five pounds heavier than I am."

Mike: "Kat really is affectionate once you get to know her.  It's just going to take some time."

Kat:  "Who are you talking to?"

Mike: "What? ....um...no one."

Kat: "You've been talking to that other cat again, haven't you!"

Mike: "Well, I..."

Kat: "I knew it!  Traitor!"

Mike: "Oh, Katherine.  Don't be so jealous."

Kat: "I ought to tear that little pip-squeak to shreds."

Calypso: "You see!  Big and mean!  Big and mean!"

Kat: "I'll show you who's big and mean, you little runt!"

Mike:  "Girls, girls!"

Kat: "Quit hiding under the bed and fight like a cat!"

Calypso:  "Go away! I hate you! I hate you all!"

Mike: (sigh)

Wednesday, March 10

Calypso is thankfully getting braver, though she is still very wary of Katherine.  Several times upon arriving home from work, I've found Calypso napping in the living room while Kat remained sleeping in her usual spot in front of the camera.  I attempted to move the litterbox Calypso was using out of my bedroom, but Calypso responded by peeing in the corner next to my bed.  I think she did it more out of fear of Kat than of any liking for the corner (at least I hope so).  Kat has taken to harrassing Calypso while she's trying to relieve herself in the litterbox.  I've noticed that Calypso has a rather annoying scratching habit --she will sometimes remain in the litterbox for five to ten minutes, ceaselessly scratching at the plastic walls.  It's at those times that I'm glad Kat chases her away. 

I haven't tried picking Calypso up lately for fear of reproof, but she now allows me to pet her as she is fast beginning to realize I have exclusive access to her food supply.

Last night, I got Kat and Calypso stoned on catnip.  It was amusing to watch them simultaneously wallowing in the wicked herb, only a foot away from each other.  Kat got a bit greedy and chased Calypso away for her catnip, but she soon returned to her own supply, allowing the new kitty to rejoin the stone-fest. 

Sunday, March 21

Calypso apparently has ear mites.  I'm not sure how that's possible, since I'm told she was always an indoor cat, but there's no question that there's a lot of disgusting black goo in her ears.  At first I thought Calypso's constant scratching at her ears was some strange personality trait, since she seemed to do it the day I brought her home.  Today, however, I took a good look into her ears and saw a lot of nasty gunk.  I took her into the bathroom, wrapped her up in a towel, and proceeded to clean some of it out with a cotton swab.  I then placed a few drops of ear miticide into each of her ears.  Katherine has never had this problem, and her ears are goo-free.   I figure a week's worth of miticide droplets should rid Calypso of at least one scratching habit.

On a less vomit-inducing note, Kat and Calypso seem to be getting along better.  A couple of times I've caught them sniffing each other's nose, which was quite cute to observe.  Kat still chases Calypso around the house though, and makes a concerted effort to sabotage my attempt to put Calypso at ease. 

Friday, April 9 (requires RealPlayer G2)

In light of Calypso's frequent carpet soilings, I decided to take her to the vet yesterday afternoon to make sure she wasn't suffering from a urinary tract infection. During the drive over, I experienced flashbacks of the day I'd first brought her home, meowing feebly in her carrying case that rested in the passenger's seat. At times I had wondered if getting a second cat was a good idea, but the image in my head of Kat and Calypso snuggled together in a chair was enough incentive in itself to take Calypso in.

When we arrived at the vet, I was put at ease when told that Calypso did not have an infection.In the beginning, Calypso had urinated on the carpet because she was afraid of Kat, hiding underneath the bed, too scared to venture out to a litterbox that must have seemed miles away from her. So she would instead piss in a corner of my bedroom.But Calypso continues to pee in that area, despite an improved relationship with Kat. So long as she can smell her spot-o-pee in the carpet, she will be attracted to the area. Though I'd offered a quick an easy solution to the problem, my vet suggested an alternative to murder."You should have one extra litterbox in your house for every cat you own," my vet said. So I would need to strategically place three litterboxes in my apartment to make my kitties happy. Unfortunately for me, one of those litterboxes must now rest on the floor next to my bed, so that Calypso has an alternative to the carpet.

What a pleasure it is to be awakened at 3 am by the ceaseless scratching of paws against a plastic litterbox.If you're a cat owner, I highly recommend the experience. And let us not forget that delightful, cloying odor wafting from the feline port-o-potty! A couple whiffs of that and it's right off to dreamland you go, blissfully counting sheep, let me tell you....if only I had a lovelife, I could further enhance such an experience! That would be the ultimate testimonial to true love:wallowing around with your significant other in a bed peppered with kitty-litter granules. Will the joys never cease? My vet spent most of the time cleaning out Calypso's disgusting ears. "Let's get rid of all those little friends of yours!" the vet giggled as she sunk cotton swab after cotton swab into Calypso's crusty canals. With a final squirt of ear miticide, the vet proclaimed her fit to return home. Lucky, lucky me.

Thursday, April 22

Calypso has balls.

Within the past few days I've noticed that my two cats are starting to play with each other, albeit cautiously. Though Kat is still dominant in every way, Calypso has started testing her by returning swipes and lunging at Kat when she walks past. Kat, to my surprise, actually gets startled by this, but then returns the lunge once she collects herself. And when Kat turns her back, Calypso swipes at her tail, almost as if to say, "Nah, nah-nah, nah-nahhhh, nah!" when Kat's not looking. It's all very amusing to watch.

What isn't very amusing is the ongoing pissing problem I have with Calypso. I have long since removed the litterbox from my bedroom (I simply couldn't stand having it that near me at night) and have filled the floor on one side of my bed with as much junk as I can to impede Calypso's attempts at unauthorized bladder relief. The room still smells faintly of carpet shampoo and vinegar with just a smidgeon of piss, and I'm planning on buying more vinegar tonight to really clean that area. I've used the squirt gun on Calypso a couple times to keep her away from the virtual obstacle course I have next to my bed --she hates being squirted far more than Kat does, which is a plus.

Wednesday, May 19 (requires RealPlayer G2)

Calypso has recorded a special public service announcement to kitties everywhere.Check it out below.

Sunday, June 6

Calypso seems to have been introduced into the household with far more medical issues than I had realized. Her carpet pissing has started again, even after I had bought another covered litterbox.I clean the litterboxes regularly, yet still Calypso will sometimes try to urinate outside of them, on the floor. During one of my usual litterbox cleanings, I noticed something horrible. In fact, if you're eating right now or are squeamish, I urge you to stop reading this diary entry.One pile of poop in the litterbox had not been covered up.And the exposed poo-poo had rice-shaped creatures squirming all over it. Tapeworms.

I could have kicked myself for not noticing it sooner:about two months ago, I had noticed strange white specs occasionally appearing around Calypso's bottom, but I just assumed Cally wasn't that great of a self-groomer. Now that I knew what I was dealing with, I checked the white specs on Calypso this time and realized those specs were actually little worms stuck to her fur. I have never encountered a cat with so many problems. Consulting the veterinarian, I ended up purchasing a tiny, $22 pill for each of my cats. The pill apparently kills off the worms. I was told that cats can get worms either by ingesting an infected flea, or by contact with rodents. Katherine has never had fleas, so I knew this must have been something that Calypso had ingested prior to coming into my household. Today I will apply some flea treatment to the backs of Kat and Calypso's necks, just to make sure there are no more fleas to deal with.

How many more surprises do you have for me, Calypso?

Saturday, June 26

I'm happy to report that Kat and Calypso are really starting to get along. Kat is clearly quite comfortable around Calypso, who gets increasingly more adventurous around Kat with each passing day. When I get home from work, the two cats are usually situated side-by-side near the front door, waiting for His Majesty Lord Tuna Man to arrive.

I think my cats are getting me hooked on tuna, and I don't mean the kind out of a can. Three times in less than two weeks, I've bought fresh tuna steaks that go for about ten dollars a pound. Fresh, baked tuna is quite tasty, as my cats would readily attest to. Last night, the three of us huddled around a large plate of the stuff as I handed off fishy morsels to the kitties.

Calypso's pissing extravaganza has quieted down a bit; I don't believe she's peed on the floor in a long while. Of course, most of the areas she had been pissing on are now covered up with either plastic or cardboard. She still loves to scratch at the litterbox for ungodly amounts of time. One night, I timed Calypso as she remained in the litterbox, scratching against the plastic walls for close to fifteen minutes. Fifteen!And of course it is always around 2 am. Ah well.

Once Kat and Calypso start licking each other, I'll know that our family will finally be loving and stable. I just wonder which cat will be the bitch and which one will be the butch...

Sunday, August 1

The true test of endurance for Kat and Calypso began July 4th weekend, when I took a week's vacation in Destin, Florida.

How would they react together during my absence? My brother, Jared, volunteered to check up on them a couple times during the week, and gave me periodic updates when I spoke to him from the overpriced beachfront condo I'd rented (no, I'm not remotely wealthy, though the place made me feel that way).

When I arrived home a week later, Kat was certainly overjoyed to see me. I'm surprised I didn't develop a rash of some sort from all the rubbing she did against my leg. Kat has always been an incredibly affectionate feline, while Calypso is much more aloof. Apparently Kat must have made it clear to Calypso that I'm her man, and to back off...I guess I'm mildly flattered that Kat gets jealous over me, but I'd much rather it be coming from a taut, firm brunette nymphomanic about 5 feet, 6 inches tall who constantly offers me beer and announces that it is time for me to "pleasure her" again. Ah, to dream a little dream...

Jason, Calypso's former owner, stopped by for a brief visit last weekend, accompanied by my brother."See how fat she is?" Jared ribbed, but Jason politely described her weight change by noting that she had "filled out." I personally don't think Calypso is fat....but she can probably out-eat Kat any day.Cally is nothing short of a feline garbage disposal. While Kat knows when to stop eating (usually when she feels a heavy, pressing sensation in her stomach), Calypso will eat until no more food is in front of her. After a couple piles of not-so-decorative cat hurl on my carpet, I quickly learned to minimize portions of food for my newest kitty.

As far as the relationship between Kat and Calypso goes, I think they're now as close to each other as they're ever going to get. Kat is unquestionably the dominant pussy in the house, and if Kat gets too close, Calypso is always quick to collapse onto the floor on her side in the universal submissive position, which effectively broadcasts the message, "Hey, I'm a big wuss, so please leave me alone, won't you?" Poor Calypso.

Wednesday, August 4

Someone emailed me today threatening me with legal action if I didn't change the name of my website, "Pussycam." The caustic email, sent by someone named Ari Burton, demanded I give up the name because he owns the domain name "Pussycam.com".

As it turns out, the real reason why this guy is so desperate for me to change my website's name is because my website appears before his on most of the major search engines when you type in the search phrase, "pussycam". I further discovered that Mr. Burton had been trying to sell his pornographic domain name and website for $50,000... The combination of his ridiculous price for a domain name and my search engine status most likely prompted him to send the nasty email.

Here's a copy of Mr. Burton's post on an adult webmaster messageboard:

13. PUSSYCAM.COM PECKERCAM.COM for SALE
PUSSYCAM.COM PECKERCAM.COM for SALE [ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ classifieds/Domain Names ] [ FAQ ] Posted by Ari Burton on March 20, 1999 at 16:50:35: The male female domain name pair of PUSSYCAM.COM and PECKERCAM.COM. Accepting bids..
98% 3/21/99 http://www.webmasterslounge.com/chat/classifieds/Domain_Names/messages/76.html

Fortunately, there are several lawyers out there who peruse my website and all of them have told me Ari Burton's threats have no legal merit: My website is far older than his; my site is non-commercial; and my website has "first use".

The following is Mr. Burton's letter, my response, and some of the responses I've gotten from readers:

Here is some of the reader reaction:

• Hi Mike! I've been a big fan of Kat and Calypso for some time now and I read about your little problem with Pussycam.com. Not to fear! You will note that Ari's attorney didn't write that letter and there is a good reason for that -- he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on. When it comes to copyrights and trademarks there is a little thing called "first use" and you've got it. It doesn't even matter if you are a private web site or not -- you used the name "Pussycam" first. If Ari insists on being a putz, give me a call at work (I work for a big law firm downtown) and I can put you in touch with our patent/trademark guy. Take care.

• Just read about your porn problems. You might want to copy the threatening e-mail and your response to a group like the National Organization of Women (hee hee) because, regardless of the way they feel about your sense of humor (I like it) they may well be incensed at Mr. Porn and offer some help/advice/etc. Oh, c'mon. It could be fun.

  Also, I think that because you have used the name for so many years, you may be protected under copyright on some level anyway.

  Please keep me posted - I'm an ex-reporter & publicist and, if it gets to the point where you want/need it, we could probably turn this into a news story.

  In the meantime, e-mail The Daily Show with Jon Stewart with your story and links. They'll love it!

• Dear Mike: Please don't change the name of your site! Tell that cretin who is threatening to sue you to go __________ (fill in the blank). I have a few choice phrases for the blank, so if you run out of ideas just let me know.

Tuesday, August 17

Today marked the first day in which I tested the AOL Instant Messenger idea I had over the weekend. The plan was to enable visitors to log on and activate a sound file on my computer that would entice my cats to approach the camera. Unfortunately it wasn't the success I had hoped. When I arrived home, I soon discovered why. Attached below is a transcript of a note I found in my living room, signed by "anonymouse" (apparently the author had suffered from a bout of the Freudian slip):

To Whom It May Concern:

We are well aware of your fiendish scheme to warp our tiny little minds with the sound of humping cats emanating from your computer speakers. Never have we been so apPAWled by your blatant disregard for our emotional stability. Did you honestly think that such cruel trickery would fool us into stepping in front of that camera of yours? We have outsmarted you before, and we will continue to do so. We've controlled you to a point that you no longer are cognizant of our power over your feeble human mind.

You think you're giving us tuna by choice? Don't be silly. We know how to play the game. We know it well. You are such a weak, meow...errr...malleable fool. Your pitiful attempts at luring us in front of your sick audience of pussy fanatics is laughable at best. To be sure, we've had quite enough of your tomcatfoolery.

So you may cease your little experiment as soon as possible, for we will endure no more of your childish games.

Respectfully Yours,
Anonymouse

PS --have you checked your shoes lately?

So, it is with great regret that I stop my AOL Instant Messenger test. At least for now...

Wednesday, September 1

I've been having some very disturbing dreams lately regarding my cats, and I can't explain why. In nearly two years of owning a cat, I had never dreamt about one in either a positive or negative light, at least not that I can remember. But lately I've begun to have recurring dreams with inexplicably negative overtones.

The dream that I repeatedly have involves outside, stray cats trying to get to Kat and Calypso. I find myself seated near my front door, where I notice that the gap underneath it is so exaggerated in size that it would allow most cats and small dogs to enter my apartment with little effort. Throughout the dream, I am desperately trying to keep stray cats from entering through the gap, yet there are so many of them trying to get in at once that inevitably some of them slip past me. I then attempt to chase and capture the strays that are roaming about my apartment to little avail. I have had this dream several times, with only slight variations. I tried to close the gap underneath my door in one dream, blocking it with various objects, but somehow the strays still managed to get through.

A couple nights ago, I had an even more disturbing dream involving Kat and Calypso. In this dream, Calypso is a gray kitten and Kat is her normal size and appearance. Calypso is vigorously clawing the base of my leg as if it were a scratching post, though I feel no pain. When I move to pick her up, I notice a gaping hole in her side that is clearly seeping blood. The hole looks like a tooth mark, and I suspect that Kat has recently attacked her. Manacled to one of Calypso's hind legs is a strange plastic object that is disc-shaped and hollow in the center. The object resembles a giant plastic yo-yo. Inside the hollow section, I notice a host of strange blue dustballs that I recognize as being dangerous, life-threatening bacteria. I try to squirt water into the dusty innards of this object but seem unsuccessful at completely washing away these dustballs. Desperate, I think about calling a veterinarian, but in the dream it is Sunday and I fear that the vet's office is closed. I then awaken from the dream, confused and disturbed.

Friday, September 17

To be sure, the bonding process between Kat and Calypso has been both tedious and slow to someone as easily frustrated as myself, but it has become clear that they are developing a liking to each other.

The territorial spats have died down, and now I come home from work to find the two cats lounging atop my kitchen cabinets, only several inches apart. Calypso even initiates wrestling matches with Kat (which she always loses) and the chases between the two have become increasingly more playful and less malicious. Calypso has also been more friendly toward me, and I've been pleasantly surprised to have her jump into my lap or onto the computer desk to get a closer look at what I'm doing.

What bothers me about Calypso lately is her insatiable need to repeatedly scratch at the litterbox. At first I thought she was doing this because I have a habit of not cleaning it for a couple days, until I noted that she also scratches even after I've either sifted or put fresh, new litter in the two boxes. The litterboxes are of the covered "garage" variety, where the cat climbs through an opening into a dark realm of pee and poo and litter granules. Many times I will awaken in the middle of the night to hear Calypso scratching at the walls of the covered litterbox for up to ten straight minutes. I thought that perhaps I might try leaving the litterboxes exposed, but she also does this on open boxes (in which case she'll scratch at a nearby wall). If only she would scratch at the litter, maybe she'd accomplish something. I can tell that Kat gets annoyed by her scratching, too. Very often, Kat will wait just outside the litterbox, assume the kitty "pre-pounce" position, and then leap at the opening to the litterbox, pawing at her defecating counterpart inside.

Sunday, November 7

Kat: "Mike, can we have a few minutes of your time to discuss something?"

Mike: "Considering the fact that you and Calypso are standing on my keyboard, I suppose I don't have much choice. What's on your mind?"

Kat: "We've been considering this 'Christmas' thing you celebrate every year and..."

Calyspo: "We want a bird!"

Mike: "What?"

Kat: "My associate here forgets herself. What she meant to say was that we would really like to have a mouse as a....as a pet."

Calypso: "And a bird!"

Mike: "Let me get this straight. Cats are the most effective predators in the animal kingdom."

Kat: "True."

Mike: "Mice and birds are natural prey for all cats..."

Kat: "Correct."

Mike: "...and this morning I mysteriously discover that my web browser has the petstore.com web site loaded up."

Kat: "Oh? Why so it does..."

Mike: "So you want me to overlook your natural predatory instincts, waltz off to a pet store and pick you up a mouse and a bird as a Christmas gift."

Kat: "That's the essential gist of it."

Mike: "Hell, maybe I'll even throw in a couple of goldfish...how does that sound?"

Kat: "If you insist, that would certainly be most generous."

Calypso: "I like fish!"

Mike: "Nice try, Katherine."

Kat: "Mike, be reasonable."

Mike: "Katherine, humans may give each other presents close to this time of year, but it's usually under the condition that we don't eat them."

Kat: "Michael Taylor! I'm surprised at you! To think that we'd harm a hair on that savory....on that delicate mouse's head!"

Mike: "A-huh."

Calyspo: "Feathers are pretty!"

Kat: "I assure you that our intentions are innocent, Mike. I'd treat the mouse with as much care and respect as I do my associate here."

Calypso: "I thought we were getting a bird?"

Kat: "Oh, shut up, Calypso!"

Calypso: "Ouch! How dare you, you vicious, thoughtless wench! Take that!"

Mike: "Here we go...."

Kat: "Die, die, die, die!"

Mike: "Is there Calgon in the house?"