Saturday, July 11

Kat went psycho on me today, though I have only myself to blame. In a fit of boredom, I decided to allow Kat to step outside for the first time. I bought her a harness of sorts that fits around her neck and around her chest, which I connected to a 15-foot line fastened to a metal tie lodged in the ground. Kat seemed fine for the first half hour or so, but when I tugged on the line lightly to let her know I didn't want her in the nearby bushes, she suddenly started bucking wildly, hissing and crying to such a degree that at first I thought I had injured her. To my astonishment, she leaped from the bushes into my arms, then onto the ground, where she darted back into the apartment and under my bed. She was so frightened from her outdoor experience that it took her a full two hours before she'd stop hissing at me. From now on, I vow to keep my cat indoors. Maybe.

Monday, September 7

So I've been mulling over the idea of getting a second cat lately; I don't know why. I guess it's analogous to a mother wanting a second child. But you'd think the first year of poop, kitty litter, scratched and torn possessions, clumps of cat hair on the carpet and bloody wounds on my hands and arms would be more than enough to turn me off to the idea of another kitty. Not so. I want a gray and black tabby, probably male, with claws. Perhaps I'll get one, someday.

Saturday, October 24

I have had an overwhelming urge to buy a couple Furby dolls. If you're not familiar with these toys, you've been living under a pet rock. On the surface, Furbies appear to be nothing more than very ugly mutations of a cat and a penguin; however, these dolls have brains. Specifically, they are equipped with a microchip that enables them to speak their own unique language, and they have the ability to learn new words and phrases and can teach other Furbies what they have learned.

Now, I realize that Furbies are the 90's answer to the Hoola Hoop, the Cabbage Patch doll and the Beanie Babies, but my interest in them is purely scientific. I submit to you, the reader, the possibility that the Furby doll -though initially intended to be merely a plaything for millions of children and adults alike-could actually prove to unlock one of the most enduring mysteries of the ages: the language of "Catspeak."

THE THEORY: My theory is that, through the aid of two Furbies, humans can eventually learn the language of cats.

THE PLAN: I propose to test this theory by purchasing two Furbies, immediately separating them, so as not to contaminate and thus invalidate my work. One Furby will be placed in a cats-only environment, exposed only to what my cat does and says. The other Furby will act as my "interpreter Furby," learning the human language as I consign myself to intensive speech lessons with it. Once I am satisfied that both Furbies have adequately learned their respective languages, I shall introduce the pair, whereby they will begin to communicate and teach each other their language. Then I will begin the arduous task of learning from my "interpreter Furby" what it is exactly my cat means when she says, "meow-rrrrrr-meow-hask!"

THE OUTCOME: Obviously, I intend to take my findings to the World Cat Consortium, where I will be warmly greeted and pawed for finally achieving the impossible. I have already picked out an adequate display case for the inevitable Nobel Prize, and have made certain my schedule is clear up to the year 2020, as I imagine I will be in high demand for interviews by all the major networks and Oprah. I will then aspire to become the dictator of a small South American province, eventually leading to global domination as I slowly amass an impressive supply of plutonium. Then, once I have acquired all-encompassing power over every living creature in the universe, I'll take a trip to Europe.

CONCLUSION: Furbies rock!

Saturday, October 31

"Happy Halloween!"

"Thanks, Kat. Happy Halloween to you, too."

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Kat?"

"There's something I've been meaning to ask you."

"Oh? What's that?"

"Why do you live by yourself? Don't you get lonely?"

"You get used to it. After all: 'the largest and strongest trees in the forest stand alone.'"

"But are you happy living this way?"

"I'm not unhappy."

"I don't believe you."

"Eat your food, Katherine."

"I wish I were human, Daddy."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because then I could give you a nice, big hug."

"That's very sweet."

"Daddy?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Kat. You're still not getting my dinner, though."

"Oh well. It was worth a try."

Saturday, December 26

Finally, a cat toy Kat actually enjoys! It must be true that the cheaper the toy is, the more cats like it. Browsing through the pet store, I saw a display of toys under three dollars that were nothing more than a long piece of plastic with a feather on the end. Absently I grabbed one along with my usual purchase of cat food and kitty litter.

I've not seen such an enthusiastic reaction in my cat since I sprinkled catnip on her scratching post. The feather toy has even surpassed the milk jug ring and the lipton tea caps as Katherine's most prized possession.

On the other hand, my mom bought me an elaborate Garfield cat toy made of plastic that Kat destroyed in less than three minutes....